Today is my 7 year anniversary!
I was an innocent bright-eyed girl who was so excited to start this strange and exiting chapter in my life.
About a month after our wedding day, I found my husband in the bathroom with our laptop. He claimed to be installing anti-pornography software onto our computer and was just 'testing' to make sure it worked... This was the first of many stories my husband used to cover up his addiction to pornography. I knew he had previously had problems with pornography in his teenage years but to my knowledge those were in the past. Being a young bride, I did not realize how powerful of an addiction pornography was. This first discovery of his pornography use was devastating and led to a very rude awakening of how serious his problem was.
I soon became overly worried and anxious every time I was away from him for fear of him viewing pornography when I was gone. I spiraled quickly into depression, anxiety, and low-self esteem with every new discovery of his internet browsing history. I didn't understand why he felt the need to watch pornography and I felt like I wasn't good enough for him. We tried filters and blocks on our computer to help him get over his addiction..although he said that it wasn't an addiction and often wouldn't even admit to looking at it. There was always a way for him to find pornography however, even with all the precautions we set up. I could only do so much to help him with this addiction, it had to be his choice I would later realize, he had to be the one to want to change.
My husbands pornography addiction also lead to him being both emotionally and verbally abusive. His view of women and marriage were extremely skewed and twisted which is a common affect of pornography. Everything was always my fault and I took the blame for most of our arguments. I figured it would be better to just take the blame than to continue arguing and fighting. Often he would leave and all I could do was cry on the floor not understanding why I was feeling the way I was.
I had learned as a young women that marriage was hard and that as you work through your problems, you would continue to grow closer as a couple. I remember sobbing on the floor of our apartment after one of our many arguments, thinking that I knew marriage wasn't easy but I didn't think that it would be this hard. I planned on going to school shortly after I got married but those dreams were put on hold for a couple years. I mentioned going back to school so I could work on receiving my Bachelors degree. My husband told me that he didn't think I could handle college and that it wouldn't be worth it for me to go to school again. I finally decided that regardless if he wanted me to attend college I was do it without his approval. When I told him that it was important for me to get a degree and that I decided I was going to enroll in classes at the local university he told me that I could go ahead and do that but he wouldn't support me in that. I enrolled in 16 credits and got a 3.99 GPA my first semester.
I finally decided to talk about what was going on with some of my family members. I cried in the parking lot of a church as I told them everything that had been happening. They told me that they saw the way he treated me and that they were concerned. They were not surprised by his addiction to pornography and strongly encouraged me to reach out for help from my church leaders. I was apprehensive to talk with my husband about feeling emotionally abused and that I strongly felt like he needed to get help for his pornography addiction. Previously, I had tried to talk to him about these matters which only resulted in him becoming defensive and angry. I worried that after our conversation with our Bishop that he would harm me or himself. I needed to make sure I had an emergency plan. I grabbed a change of clothes, my cello, his gun and the kitchen knives and gave them to my mom just in case.
Thankfully, things didn't escalate to the point of physical violence but things did get bad enough that I had my relief society president drive me to my parents that evening to let things cool off. He told me he was more hurt that I felt the need to take the gun and knife away from him for fear of him injuring someone. I felt like after that I was stepping on broken glass waiting to make a wrong move with any step I would take. We didn't resolve much after that discussion and eventually things just blew over for a while, never really addressing the concerns I had.
We moved in with my parents a few months later and we still didn't have any solid resources for our marital problems. I decided to talk with my new Bishop to see if there was help that we could recieve. He let me know that we could receive marriage concealing through the church. I set up the appointment and we went. I learned a lot on how I could handle the arguments that arose and how I could say things in a less confrontational way as we discussed our issues. I also learned how to stand up for myself when he would place unnecessary blame on me. We had sessions where it was split between the two of us, meeting separately with the councilor. During one of the private sessions, I was validated by the councilor that I was being emotionally and verbally abused and that my husband had a deep addiction to pornography. I was thankful for this validation to help me recognize that these problems we were facing were no normal (not to say that I am in anyway perfect at being a wife). We would make a little progress here and there but my husband would quickly spiral down from any progress that had been made. At one point he told me that he watched something pornographic that day because he knew it would hurt me when I looked at his internet history. I believe that pornography had turned the man I married into a bitter, dark, hurtful and angry person, his whole countenance lacked light. My Bishop was there every step of the way in this process and we even started meeting with the Stake President. The Stake President gave my husband a list of things he needed to do as he worked on his addiction to pornography, one of those being going to group meetings. I watched my husband work towards some of the less difficult tasks but would quickly give become complacent in the things he was asked to do.
After watching my husband digress quickly after each meeting or counseling sessions, I started to become discouraged. I made an appointment to meet with my Bishop alone, I told him that I couldn't handle this any longer and that I was going to discuss my decision to get a divorce. My amazing Bishop let me know that he was not unable to tell someone if they should or shouldn't get a divorce, but he advised that I wait two weeks to make a final decision. I told him I wasn't sure if I could but with faith I said I would go home and pray about it. I knew that I wanted to do everything I could to save my marriage before making the decision to get a divorce. My husband and I had made covenants with the Lord and we were sealed for time and all eternity in His house. If our marriage was to end, I wanted to make sure that I had done everything I could to still keep my covenants with the Lord. I went home and as I sob. I received direct revelation from the Lord that I could not make it on my own and that I needed to rely on my Savior to make it through. I felt like a burden lifted off of my back when I received that revelation. I knew that the Lord would help me through anything and that I could and can do anything through Him. I also felt very strongly that the Lord wanted to give my husband as many chances to change as possible before letting our marriage end. Through the Lord's help, those two weeks turned into a few months.
After quite a few months, I finally felt like it was time to give an ultimatum to my husband. I let him know that there were a couple of things that needed to start happening in order for this marriage to work. He needed to go to group meetings for his pornography addiction, he needed to be following everything that the Stake President told him to do, and that he needed to start treating me better. He told me that he would be willing to do those things, but only if I would be willing to admit that I had failed him. At first, I told him that was not a fair thing to say, of course I was not perfect and had made mistakes but failing someone is such a strong thing to say. He just repeated that he wanted me to say that I had failed him. The spirit bore witness to my soul that I had not failed him and that I had done everything I could do to save our marriage. After receiving such a strong impression, I felt okay telling him no, I had not failed him. I told him no, I had not failed him. He said "Alright, then I will pack up my things tomorrow and leave" to which I replied "Okay". I was not sure if he was going to follow through with it but in my heart I knew he was serious and he was going to leave. I was heartbroken. I did not want to be around when he picked up his stuff the next day and I really didn't care what he decided to take. I went to lunch with my mom and my sister, followed by going to see the new Spiderman movie, which turned out to be was a nice distraction. When I came home, I saw that he had already been by to pick up his things.
A week later, I made a hard decision and filed for divorce. I went over to his parents house and took a short walk with him and let him know that I would be filing soon for a divorce. He did not fight me on this, which was also heartbreaking. That was the last time I talked to him. A little over four-years of marriage and he didn't even try to fight for us to stay together. It ended with a few pieces of paper with our signatures.
I have chosen to not be very open about my experiences about being divorced. I have not wanted to be judged, labeled and gossiped about. I also didn't want unnecessary hatred or angry directed towards my Ex-husband. I honestly hope the best for him and I know that the greatest hope for success will be him coming to work through his problems without me. He is still a wonderful person, with many note worthy characteristics and most importantly he is a son of God. I hope he has chosen to get help for his addiction and works with a councilor to help him overcome the years of being an addict. I also hope he understands that through the Savior's atonement all of the scars and wounds can be healed. He can have his sins washed away and that he can be clean and pure once more. I have seen the atonement work in my life to make up for the pain I experienced and the hurt I felt. I have felt my Saviors hand in helping me forgive my Ex-husband for the things he did to me. I know that God listened to me those nights that I sobbed from the affects of my spouses addiction to pornography. He was there when I didn't feel like I could take it any longer and he gave me strength when I needed him to lift me up and carry me.
I know it sounds cliche but I would not change these experiences if I was asked to do it over again, I am who I am today because of the things I went through. I know that this is a fairly negative post, but it wasn't all completely miserable, I loved my husband, we have had many wonderful and beautiful experiences together. Pornography, however, killed that love. I have become a stronger, more empathetic person because of my experiences and I know that the Lord will and has already started to make up for any of my loss, heartache, and pain that I have had. I know that marriage can last and that one day I will find someone who I will be able to go back to the temple of the Lord and be sealed to them for time and all eternity as long as I stay true and faithful to the commandments of the Lord.
