"Frisbee"

Steven and Rachel had another Frisbee night yesterday and I decided to come and 'play' frisbee (talk to Rachel). I wasn't really expecting Anthony to come because he said he had plans for that evening but around noon yesterday he sent me a text that said, "Hey, plans fell through for tonight, so I think I'll try to come join you guys at ultimate Frisbee! It would be fun to see you after all tonight. :)"
I was pretty excited to see him too. Only one other person showed up to play Frisbee, Jacob (Steven and Anthony's cousin, so we ended up just sitting around and talked. I was holding Norah so I couldn't get up and give him a hug when he came but he did pay me some attention. At the end he came and sat by me and he showed me a couple video's of bad lip reading which were pretty funny. When we left he let me know he wanted to give me a hug before I left. I talked with Rachel and Steven about my dates with Anthony and how I was feeling about everything with him. They said that he wants to take things pretty slow because he rushed into his last relationship. Rachel also let me know that he told Steven he is afraid of scaring me off. I am pretty sure he does like me and I am starting to feel more confident in that idea. He really is an amazing guy, he is sweet, kind, gentle, intelligent, strong in the gospel and has high standards in terms of what he chooses to watch. I am so grateful that things are going well. I am okay that he wants to take things slow, the only thing that I would change right now is that I would love to see him just a little bit more. I feel like I am just getting to know him and would love to get to know him better.

Feeling Better Today

I am feeling a lot better emotionally today. I went up to the mountains yesterday and picked wild flowers underneath the aspen trees. The alpine loop is one of my favorite spots to find peace of mind. The view and air was refreshing to my soul.("What are men to rocks and mountains?")

 

I also added Anthony on Facebook yesterday, and he promptly accepted my friend request. I am leaning on the positive experiences I have had with him and not dwell on one tiny event where I freaked out. I just have to have faith that if he wants to date me and if it is the Lord's will than things will work out. All my other experiences with Anthony have been fantastic and it seems to me like he is interested in me, I mean why would things be different now? Right? Right.

...Dealing with Issues

Kelli came over last night, we went to go and get Tiramisu and chatted about what I was feeling. Long story short, I think I was dealing with more than just Anthony, who lets be honest was really sweet to me on the phone. His 'rejection' triggered emotions that I felt when my ex-husband would make promises to me and then break them. I had a flood of emotions that made me want to run away from the situation. I recently found a lot of pictures of my wedding day and pictures of my ex-husband and I together. I too often forget I will have to deal with the effects of the abuse I suffered for the rest of my life. I normally function really well considering what I have gone through but unexpected things like this can trigger emotions and memories to come flooding back in. I talked with Kelli and she suggested that I might benefit from seeing a therapist. She is probably right. UVU offers services to students for only $10.00 a session. I am going to call today to make an appointment. I feel a little crazy right now, emotionally. Luckily, this only happens every once in a while but I could use some help dealing with my emotions right now.

Two More Weeks

I called Anthony and I let him know that Bethany and Jacob wouldn't be able do the double date until next Saturday but if he wanted to still do something than I would be free to do something with him on Thursday. He said that he had already made plans for Thursday. I felt so awkward, and I didn't know what to say after that. I honestly didn't think that was going to happen since he said that he could reschedule for as early as Thursday. I kind of just wanted to hang up and cry. It is probably nothing but I got my hopes up to see him this week and then they were crushed. He didn't give an explanation to why he was busy that night. I didn't handle the whole situation very gracefully and tried to end the conversation very quickly. I said that I would let him go because I should let him get back to whatever he was doing, to which he replied that he didn't have anything going on at that moment and he didn't mind chatting. We chatted for about ten minutes longer and then I told him I had to finish making dinner. I felt like I was so awkward the whole time, and was very much distant on the phone. I hope he didn't pick up on it too much. He even mentioned that he was looking forward to seeing me on our next date. And right now you are probably like, Caitlin, what in the world is wrong? I don't really know. What I do know is that I want to cry, and eat chocolate (which I don't have cause I only bought fruits and veggies at the store today). I have been fighting a headache all day long and have felt extremely tired, I feel anxious and hurt. Why? Maybe I am dealing with anxiety or depression. I shouldn't be upset at his reaction. He wanted to continue talking to me. Why did I freak out then? Why did it feel like rejection, when it wasn't? Why do my emotions have to take over my rational thoughts? This is dumb. I am sure I will feel better about it all tomorrow. Really, I will. I just need to cry a little. Which is certainly happening at this very minute.

Post on Postponement

Postponement on the double date with Bethany and Jacob.
Anthony texted me yesterday: Hey, for our plans for next week, would Saturday evening work? I realized, in my eagerness to make it work, that I'd probably not be getting home from a trip to Bear Lake until later that day...:/ Would that work? Or if not, could we do it as early as Thursday? Sorry if my fo-pah causes you great inconvenience...8/
I called him and he was extremely apologetic about what had happened. I asked him if it would be better if we rescheduled and he said honestly, yes. I let him know that we would have to reschedule for the following week because Bethany works in the evenings during the week. I told him that we would make it work though. I wasn't angry or upset at him, more just disappointed. Not disappointed with him, just sad that I wouldn't probably see him for another two weeks. We chatted for another 15 minutes or so and I told him I would let him know what the plan was soon.
I chatted with Bethany about it and she confirmed that we would have to wait a week. I decided that when I talk with him again that I will suggest if he wants to do something Thursday still I would be up for it. Scary! I just have to get my nerve up to suggest it. I am going to wait until tomorrow to call him about it. Wish me luck!

I gave a talk in Sacrament meeting today on finding everlasting peace and building eternal families (from a general conference talk from Oct. 2014, L. Tom Perry). I was nervous but the Lord helped guide me through the holy ghost to know what I needed to say. The spirit was there in the meeting so I hope that those who were listening were taught through the Holy Ghost. Families are the center of God's plan and young single adults need to realize that we need to uphold the doctrine found in the Proclamation to the World on the Family.

Antman with Ant-h-ony

Tuesday night (06/21/15) I met up with Anthony, Rachel, Steven and their friend to watch Antman at the theater. When I arrived Rachel said "Caitlin, you look so pretty!"
Anthony:"She stole my line."
Okay, wasn't that the charming?
Anthony paid for my ticket, which was incredibly sweet of him. We sat by each other and he was pretty fidgety through the entire movie. We still haven't held hands and I think he is trying to work up the courage to hold my hand. Maybe I am completely wrong but from what I could gather from his body language he was thinking about it. He would cross his arms, then quickly unfold them, putting one hand down on his leg by me and after a few seconds would clasp his hands together. He did this multiple times.
I really enjoyed the movie and I especially enjoyed watching it with him. After the movie he asked what time I had to be back to my parents, he was going to invite me go and do something after the movie. I unfortunately had to hurry back home so I couldn't do anything else with them that night.
Here was my text to him later that evening: Bonsoir, Anthony! Thanks so much for the movie tonight! I really enjoyed watching it with you. I hope your day goes better tomorrow and that your coworkers hormones aren't as crazy. ;) (His one coworker is very pregnant and apparently has been insane lately with random outbursts of anger, she has been throwing things in the office, luckily not directed at Anthony.)
And his replied: Thanks. :) And I really enjoyed having you there! Thanks for coming. :) Have a great night, Caitlin!

I am seriously falling for this boy pretty hard.

That night while I was driving to my parents house I was able to admire the vibrant sunset illuminating the sky. Callie was set apart as a missionary and was given a beautiful blessing. That girl is going to be so different when she returns. I am glad I was able to spend the night and be with her for the last little bit before we took her to the MTC yesterday. We had a sleepover in the big yellow room downstairs on the king size bed. I have started becoming a lot closer to her the last couple years and am going to miss her dearly. She is one of my best friends. I wouldn't want to lose her for the next year and a half for anything less than a mission. I am so proud of her decision to serve the Lord and spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. Grant came to watch her be set apart, I hope his heart is starting to soften and that he will come back to the gospel. I pray that Callie's mission will bring an outpouring of blessings to our family and that it will bring us closer together.

Dropping Callie off was harder than I expected yesterday. I choked up as I told her how proud I was of her. We shed tears and we said goodbye to her. A lot can happen in 18 months. Erin and Ryan could have a baby by then, Grant and Emily could too (or get married, or maybe both?!), I could get married, I will have graduated with my Bachelor's degree, living who knows where, Grandma could pass away (hopefully not though!), etc.  Callie has always been there for all holidays and events, it will be a weird

Christmas with just Mom, Dad and Grant there this year.

Change, Change and more change. I often think of the quote from Beth in Little Women when she asks "Why does everyone want to go away? I love being home. But I don't like being left behind..." Part of me knows that things can not stay the way they are, and we need change to grow and learn, but I will always miss the times before everyone moved away. I am grateful for the memories of my childhood/adolescent years of growing up with my wonderful family, they are truly a blessing in my life.

This Boy Though.

Well, so far this blog is turning out to be almost completely focused on Anthony. Can you blame me though? ;)

(07/16/15) He ended up not coming down to play games with us before Frisbee last Thursday, but we met him over at the park early. I made S'more Bars for Rachel, Steven and Anthony and we sat around and munched on those while we chatted. The boys devoured them! He gave me a side hug when I first saw him and he apologized for not making it over early enough to play games and told me we would have to reschedule a game night with them. I was a little shy around everyone but I don't think he minded too much. When everyone else arrived to play, I thankfully stayed and talked with Rachel while holding her adorable baby. He at first didn't go down to play, and I told him that he could go and play Frisbee. He said he felt bad for leaving us up on the top of the hill all alone, to which I replied, don't you worry, Rachel and I could talk for hours, plus there is a baby, we are good. He laughed and finally went down to play. He looked up at us quite a few times while he was playing.

Rachel told me that he talked with them about me and said he really enjoyed talking with me and that he really likes me. Hooray! She also said it was his idea to have a game night and that he wanted to spend more time with me. It was so wonderful to sit and chat with her and her beautiful baby was a treat to hold. Well, she did spit up on me three times, 2 of those were projectile vomit like spit up. Poor girl, she wasn't feeling very well. It didn't bother me at all, honestly. It is practically just milk right?

After they finished playing Frisbee, Anthony came up and chatted with us for a little bit. He was about to leave and it looked like he was hesitating to get up, especially after I wasn't also getting up. He said said a few times that he was looking forward to our date tomorrow and I told him I was too. He then started to leave and told me that he would have given me a hug but he was really sweaty from running around so much. I jumped up and told him that I didn't mind, plus I was covered in spit up so fair is fair. He laughed and we awkwardly hugged each other in front of everyone. I guess I was nervous and so was he. I am so glad he invited me though!

The next day (06/18/15), my Mom let me know that she had extra tickets to the concert, so it turned out that I didn't have to pick them up from a random stranger. I went to his house and left my car at his place. I heard about his Senior project that he is currently working on and he asked me about school and work. I feel inferior speaking around him, not because he is demeaning or anything, he is just really good at articulating his thoughts but I, however, stumble and talk in circles when telling him my stories and input. I have a really hard time telling people my feelings, hopes and dreams without feeling foolish or passive. Regardless of my own flaws with language, I really enjoy talking with him. He is gentle, kind, thoughtful, considerate and very intelligent. I really love his company.

He took me to Kneaders and then went to the concert. We ran into my old roommate Lauren and her Fiance. As soon as we got inside, he needed to run and use the restroom before the concert started. I checked my phone and Bethany and Jacob had just seen Lauren right after us and they wanted to meet up with us after the concert. Anthony was up for it and we walked around temple square while we waited to meet up with them. Before I get ahead of myself though, he did not hold my hand during the concert, which was actually totally fine with me. He did lean against my arm and leaned into it. He also had his leg touch mine while we were sitting there and I could tell he was a little more fidgety with his hands. I kept my hand available for a lot of the evening and maybe it was just me but I think he wanted to hold my hand but didn't.

We met up with Bethany and Jacob and we were on our way to find ice cream when we ran into Bethany's aunt, Mary Summerhayes and her husband. She told Anthony and I that we looked like each other and that we matched....a little awkward when we aren't really officially dating, but it was sweet of them nonetheless. We then found out that all the food places at City Creek had closed at 10. Brilliant Bethany decided that we should instead post-pone getting ice-cream and we rescheduled to get ice-cream with them on a double date in two weeks. Anthony seemed to be all for it. :)

We got slightly lost on our back to his car but I didn't mind at all because that just meant more time with him. As we were trying to find his car he thanked me for coming and that he felt like he didn't do very much for the date. I thanked him back and let him know that the only thing I really did was get the tickets and drive to his place. He had the initial idea for the date, took me to dinner and he drove around Salt Lake. He told me that I was just being sweet about it...and then hugged me from the side. We finally found his car and when we got back to his house we chatted outside for another 10-15 minutes while petting one of his cats. We hugged and as I drove off he held his cat and had it wave goodbye.

He also said that Steven and Rachel were going to see Ant Man on Tuesday evening and that he would love it if I came. I wasn't sure what we were doing with my sister Callie that evening (she is leaving to go to the MTC on Wednesday!) but I would let him know. After chatting with Callie about it I will be just fine to go to the movie and still be there on time to see Callie be set-apart as a missionary later that evening.

Things are going really well and I hope they continue to progress and flourish. I really like him and I keep having the feeling that this could actually go somewhere. I am trying not to think that far in advance but what can I say? He is amazing. I had a dream on Thursday night where I was with Anthony in a small courtyard in an apartment complex. We entered into our new home which was a joint apartment with his sister. I had a new born baby girl in my arms and felt so incredibly happy. I knew I was married to Anthony and that the baby was ours. In my dream he was a wonderful loving father and husband. I know it that it might not mean anything and that it could have just been the effects of the Slurpee I bought with Rachel. But, there is a small hope that the dream could be real one day. It seemed so real and powerful but it is probably too early on to even think of such things. I can't wait to be a wife and a mother one day and to be married to a man who honors his priesthood and loves me with all of his heart. I am hopeful that the life I crave is coming soon. I have never been career driven because I have always wanted to be a mom. It is part of my divine nature to want and hope for marriage and a family. I know the Lord is preparing me for those roles and that he will not deny me any of my righteous desires.

Blessings

Sweet and proactive Jessica found Anthony and me tickets for the Pioneer Day Concert with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. We wanted to go and I first thought that maybe Jess would have some extra tickets hanging around (she usually gets them just in case). Unfortunately, should already gave them away but she decided to look on KSL for me and found someone who had extra tickets. Anthony and I were just going to go in the stand-by line but thank you to Jessica (and the Lord) we are now able to go in without any problems. Hooray! 

Plus I bought a new dress from Mikarose yesterday that I am way excited to wear on our date. The dress was on clearance and when they were ringing me up for the already discounted dress, I noticed a small tear in the waist band. They told me that they would take off an additional 25% off of the dress. So I was able to snag this dress for around $20 instead of the original price of $55. Another blessing? I think so. 

Anthony is such a gentleman. He made sure I knew that as soon as I drove to his house that he would drive the rest of the way and that he would be taking me out to a nice restaurant. Can this guy get any better?I can't wait to see him tonight and tomorrow. :)  

More to Come...

Anthony called me last Saturday to ask me out on another date for Friday (although, he said he forgot to check his schedule before asking me out for the weekend...so maybe it will be the following weekend instead?). He also invited me to a game night on Thursday night with our friends who set us up. We are playing games just the four (I mean five, they just had a baby!), and then a group of people are getting together to play Ultimate Frisbee after we play games. I am looking forward to spending more time with him, but my nerves are starting to get to me about a group activity. I am much better at one on one interactions with people and large groups kind of stress me out. I hope he doesn't mistaken my lack of talking for a disinterest in him, I just get shy around a lot of people. It should be a good way though to see how he interacts with other people. I guess we will see. :)

I also dyed part of my hair blue, much to my mother's dismay. It blends in pretty well and so it is hard to even notice that it is there...next time I will be going a little more bold with how bright it is...which will involve bleaching out part of it. Overall though, I am very happy with my decision. It has been on my bucket list to dye my hair blue ever since I watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants in High School. I was always slightly envious of Tibby's blue streaked hair.

Texting --Second Date

Anthony and I went out on another date a little over a week ago. I was worried that he wasn't ever going to call again, like he said he would. I texted Rachel and asked her if it would be weird if I texted him, honestly I wanted to tell him how much I was loving reading Mistborn.

Me: Random question for you, is it weird if I text Anthony? I haven't heard anything from him since our date...which is fine...but would texting him be too much? Rachel sometimes I am bad at this dating game and social rules and such. I was just going to text him about a book we were discussing that I am almost done reading, but should I just wait and be patient? Or maybe he changed his mind about seeing me again..I don't know...Should I? Shouldn't I? (Okay, this sounds like a freak out text message..I am really not freaking out as much as it probably sounds. Haha. ;) )

Rachel: Hahaha--I TOTALLY understand what you mean!!!!!!! I have had this same sort of thing happen to me a thousand times. Steven and I have talked to him and he reacted really positively--he said he would go out with you again. I think if you wanna text him about that book, you should! Steven thinks it wouldn't be to your downfall at all :)

So, naturally I waited a day to text him. I felt a lot better after she told me that he would go out with me again, so I didn't feel as weird texting him.

Me: Anthony! I am almost done with Well of Ascension and I can't put it down. :) These are some of the best books I have ever read! I can't wait to see what will happen in the Hero of Ages. Seriously, I am not sure how anyone ever gets anything done while reading Brandon Sanderson.

Anthony: Caitlin! You've beaten me to the punch, much to my chagrin- I was planning on calling you this very day after work to see if you wanted to go out again next weekend. :) What think ye? And I'm so glad you're liking it! Sanderson books are, you might say, volatile in that way-so good, it almost hurts to do anything else until you're through with them ;p

Me: I think that would be a glorious idea. :) I am so sorry for the anguish I caused from beating you. ;) I just got really excited about the 2nd book and was eager to share with someone who has read it and understands the pain. :)

Anthony: Haha that I do.

After this I didn't hear back from him for four days. I was honestly annoyed at his lack of communication. I didn't understand why he would tell me that he would call and then didn't. After reading the text again, I figured he probably would have assumed the text was in place of the phone call.  I had to work extremely hard on not being to judgmental on why he hadn't contacted me. I  am trying to work on watching for patterns rather than one experience of concern.

Anthony: Caitlin! I'm very sorry that it hasn't been until now that I've contacted you about the plan for this weekend - I got a little under the weather last weekend, and then I had a bunch of duties to take care of yesterday and the day before...Anyway, sorry for the delay! So, the first question for you is - does Friday night work for you? :) ...Or has my unfortunate delays made it too late for that day? :(

Me: No worries! :) I am sorry to hear that you weren't doing well, I hope you are feeling better. :) Friday night works great for me. :)

Thursday

Anthony: Delays, delays, nothing but delays! I'm so sorry that I'm running so far behind again! So...I'm usually a huge humbug when it comes to seeing movies on dates, since movies preclude talking -and thus the whole point of a date - but I might need to make an exception and take you to see a superb new movie that I thought had an incredible message to share - if you're good for it, that is. :) Have you seen Inside Out yet? There IS a correct answer here ;) And then we would go out for a bite and conclude properly with much conversation :) What think ye?

Me: It is all good. :) I have not seen it yet. :) I would most certainly be up for seeing it with you tomorrow, especially if it comes with such a great recommendation. ;) What time are you thinking? :)

Anthony: When do you get off tomorrow?

Me: I get off at 3. :)

Anthony: Okay so there's a showing at 4:00, and there's one at 5:00, both at University Mall. Perhaps we could plan on the 4:00, and use the 5:00 as a contingency plan, in case traffic is bad? Does that sound good?

Me: That sounds perfect! :) Have a wonderful evening. I will see you tomorrow. :)

Anthony: Great! I'm looking forward to it!

He then clarified later that he would pick me up at 3:15. I prayed to my Father in heaven to let me not let any frustration about the times of lapses in communication. I need to be aware of looking to see how it works out in the future but now is not the time to have it be a deal breaker. I also prayed that I would be able to act authentically and that I would be able to act like myself on the date. Often, I become too nervous on a date that I either become insanely shy or I force saying things for fear of a break in conversation. I was able to calm down before the date and I felt like I would be able to give him a real chance by the time he picked me up.

(06/26/15) He came a couple minutes late but because I knew that he might hit traffic I wasn't too worried. I sat in the living room with Kaeley, playing with my Rubik's Cube. I could tell I was still nervous because I kept forgetting the algorithms.  When he came he asked if he could wash his hands, I looked down to find his poor hands covered in blood. He sadly told me that he got a bloody nose on his way to pick me up. Poor guy. After that it was pretty smooth sailing. We went and saw the movie, which turned out to be fantastic. Then we went to dinner at Panda Express. He told me stories from his mission and we talked about the recent court ruling of Gay Marriage. I had a wonderful time with him and all of the lack of communication didn't seem to matter anymore.

The most awkward part of the date was when he dropped me off.  We went up to my door at my apartment and I told him that I don't normally like movie dates but that this was an exception. I thanked him for dinner and the movie, we hugged goodbye and then I started to try and find my keys in my purse. No, this was not on purpose, and I was not trying to mimic the movie Hitch. ;) My purse is not organized, at all. They of course were buried at the bottom underneath all of the 'useful' things I keep with me on a daily basis. He turned back and realized I was still looking for my keys and in a very gentleman manner let me know that he should make sure I have them so I wouldn't be left stranded. I then told him that I carry way too much stuff with me and sometimes I carry a Rubik's Cube with me just in case I get bored sometimes. (Face Palm...What in the world was I even saying?..Oh dear!) He laughed..and then I luckily managed to touch my keys quickly. He left and I made a quick trip to the restroom. I then received a text message from him. It had only been a few minutes...that was strange.

Anthony: Hey, Random question: there's a black and white cat walking around out here with a collar, but no tag. You wouldn't happen to know who it belongs to, would you...?

Oh, he was still outside. I hurried and finished going to the bathroom and walked out in back to where he had parked. There is a lovely grassy area near the parking lot and that is where I saw him chilling on the grass with a darling cat cuddled up next to him. I told him I didn't know who the cat belonged to but that I often had seen him around before. He then proceeded to get up and to start heading back to his car, and he said something like, just thought I would check, sorry to bother you...To which I awkwardly replied while twisting my foot back and forth and throwing a hand up in the air that it "was okay, cause well, I like spending time with you, Anthony." To which he replied that he does too....Spending time with me..not himself...err...to which I laughed and told him I knew what he meant. He then said that we should continue doing things together. We then said goodbye, again. Could I have been anymore awkward about it? Seriously, I should write a book, "How to Survive as an Awkward Teenager..Adult".