Steven and Rachel had another Frisbee night yesterday and I decided to come and 'play' frisbee (talk to Rachel). I wasn't really expecting Anthony to come because he said he had plans for that evening but around noon yesterday he sent me a text that said, "Hey, plans fell through for tonight, so I think I'll try to come join you guys at ultimate Frisbee! It would be fun to see you after all tonight. :)"
I was pretty excited to see him too. Only one other person showed up to play Frisbee, Jacob (Steven and Anthony's cousin, so we ended up just sitting around and talked. I was holding Norah so I couldn't get up and give him a hug when he came but he did pay me some attention. At the end he came and sat by me and he showed me a couple video's of bad lip reading which were pretty funny. When we left he let me know he wanted to give me a hug before I left. I talked with Rachel and Steven about my dates with Anthony and how I was feeling about everything with him. They said that he wants to take things pretty slow because he rushed into his last relationship. Rachel also let me know that he told Steven he is afraid of scaring me off. I am pretty sure he does like me and I am starting to feel more confident in that idea. He really is an amazing guy, he is sweet, kind, gentle, intelligent, strong in the gospel and has high standards in terms of what he chooses to watch. I am so grateful that things are going well. I am okay that he wants to take things slow, the only thing that I would change right now is that I would love to see him just a little bit more. I feel like I am just getting to know him and would love to get to know him better.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Feeling Better Today
I am feeling a lot better emotionally today. I went up to the mountains yesterday and picked wild flowers underneath the aspen trees. The alpine loop is one of my favorite spots to find peace of mind. The view and air was refreshing to my soul.("What are men to rocks and mountains?")
I also added Anthony on Facebook yesterday, and he promptly accepted my friend request. I am leaning on the positive experiences I have had with him and not dwell on one tiny event where I freaked out. I just have to have faith that if he wants to date me and if it is the Lord's will than things will work out. All my other experiences with Anthony have been fantastic and it seems to me like he is interested in me, I mean why would things be different now? Right? Right.
I also added Anthony on Facebook yesterday, and he promptly accepted my friend request. I am leaning on the positive experiences I have had with him and not dwell on one tiny event where I freaked out. I just have to have faith that if he wants to date me and if it is the Lord's will than things will work out. All my other experiences with Anthony have been fantastic and it seems to me like he is interested in me, I mean why would things be different now? Right? Right.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
...Dealing with Issues
Kelli came over last night, we went to go and get Tiramisu and chatted about what I was feeling. Long story short, I think I was dealing with more than just Anthony, who lets be honest was really sweet to me on the phone. His 'rejection' triggered emotions that I felt when my ex-husband would make promises to me and then break them. I had a flood of emotions that made me want to run away from the situation. I recently found a lot of pictures of my wedding day and pictures of my ex-husband and I together. I too often forget I will have to deal with the effects of the abuse I suffered for the rest of my life. I normally function really well considering what I have gone through but unexpected things like this can trigger emotions and memories to come flooding back in. I talked with Kelli and she suggested that I might benefit from seeing a therapist. She is probably right. UVU offers services to students for only $10.00 a session. I am going to call today to make an appointment. I feel a little crazy right now, emotionally. Luckily, this only happens every once in a while but I could use some help dealing with my emotions right now.
Monday, July 27, 2015
Two More Weeks
I called Anthony and I let him know that Bethany and Jacob wouldn't be able do the double date until next Saturday but if he wanted to still do something than I would be free to do something with him on Thursday. He said that he had already made plans for Thursday. I felt so awkward, and I didn't know what to say after that. I honestly didn't think that was going to happen since he said that he could reschedule for as early as Thursday. I kind of just wanted to hang up and cry. It is probably nothing but I got my hopes up to see him this week and then they were crushed. He didn't give an explanation to why he was busy that night. I didn't handle the whole situation very gracefully and tried to end the conversation very quickly. I said that I would let him go because I should let him get back to whatever he was doing, to which he replied that he didn't have anything going on at that moment and he didn't mind chatting. We chatted for about ten minutes longer and then I told him I had to finish making dinner. I felt like I was so awkward the whole time, and was very much distant on the phone. I hope he didn't pick up on it too much. He even mentioned that he was looking forward to seeing me on our next date. And right now you are probably like, Caitlin, what in the world is wrong? I don't really know. What I do know is that I want to cry, and eat chocolate (which I don't have cause I only bought fruits and veggies at the store today). I have been fighting a headache all day long and have felt extremely tired, I feel anxious and hurt. Why? Maybe I am dealing with anxiety or depression. I shouldn't be upset at his reaction. He wanted to continue talking to me. Why did I freak out then? Why did it feel like rejection, when it wasn't? Why do my emotions have to take over my rational thoughts? This is dumb. I am sure I will feel better about it all tomorrow. Really, I will. I just need to cry a little. Which is certainly happening at this very minute.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Post on Postponement
Postponement on the double date with Bethany and Jacob.
Anthony texted me yesterday: Hey, for our plans for next week, would Saturday evening work? I realized, in my eagerness to make it work, that I'd probably not be getting home from a trip to Bear Lake until later that day...:/ Would that work? Or if not, could we do it as early as Thursday? Sorry if my fo-pah causes you great inconvenience...8/
I called him and he was extremely apologetic about what had happened. I asked him if it would be better if we rescheduled and he said honestly, yes. I let him know that we would have to reschedule for the following week because Bethany works in the evenings during the week. I told him that we would make it work though. I wasn't angry or upset at him, more just disappointed. Not disappointed with him, just sad that I wouldn't probably see him for another two weeks. We chatted for another 15 minutes or so and I told him I would let him know what the plan was soon.
I chatted with Bethany about it and she confirmed that we would have to wait a week. I decided that when I talk with him again that I will suggest if he wants to do something Thursday still I would be up for it. Scary! I just have to get my nerve up to suggest it. I am going to wait until tomorrow to call him about it. Wish me luck!
I gave a talk in Sacrament meeting today on finding everlasting peace and building eternal families (from a general conference talk from Oct. 2014, L. Tom Perry). I was nervous but the Lord helped guide me through the holy ghost to know what I needed to say. The spirit was there in the meeting so I hope that those who were listening were taught through the Holy Ghost. Families are the center of God's plan and young single adults need to realize that we need to uphold the doctrine found in the Proclamation to the World on the Family.
Anthony texted me yesterday: Hey, for our plans for next week, would Saturday evening work? I realized, in my eagerness to make it work, that I'd probably not be getting home from a trip to Bear Lake until later that day...:/ Would that work? Or if not, could we do it as early as Thursday? Sorry if my fo-pah causes you great inconvenience...8/
I called him and he was extremely apologetic about what had happened. I asked him if it would be better if we rescheduled and he said honestly, yes. I let him know that we would have to reschedule for the following week because Bethany works in the evenings during the week. I told him that we would make it work though. I wasn't angry or upset at him, more just disappointed. Not disappointed with him, just sad that I wouldn't probably see him for another two weeks. We chatted for another 15 minutes or so and I told him I would let him know what the plan was soon.
I chatted with Bethany about it and she confirmed that we would have to wait a week. I decided that when I talk with him again that I will suggest if he wants to do something Thursday still I would be up for it. Scary! I just have to get my nerve up to suggest it. I am going to wait until tomorrow to call him about it. Wish me luck!
I gave a talk in Sacrament meeting today on finding everlasting peace and building eternal families (from a general conference talk from Oct. 2014, L. Tom Perry). I was nervous but the Lord helped guide me through the holy ghost to know what I needed to say. The spirit was there in the meeting so I hope that those who were listening were taught through the Holy Ghost. Families are the center of God's plan and young single adults need to realize that we need to uphold the doctrine found in the Proclamation to the World on the Family.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Antman with Ant-h-ony
Tuesday night (06/21/15) I met up with Anthony, Rachel, Steven and their friend to watch Antman at the theater. When I arrived Rachel said "Caitlin, you look so pretty!"
Anthony:"She stole my line."
Okay, wasn't that the charming?
Anthony paid for my ticket, which was incredibly sweet of him. We sat by each other and he was pretty fidgety through the entire movie. We still haven't held hands and I think he is trying to work up the courage to hold my hand. Maybe I am completely wrong but from what I could gather from his body language he was thinking about it. He would cross his arms, then quickly unfold them, putting one hand down on his leg by me and after a few seconds would clasp his hands together. He did this multiple times.
I really enjoyed the movie and I especially enjoyed watching it with him. After the movie he asked what time I had to be back to my parents, he was going to invite me go and do something after the movie. I unfortunately had to hurry back home so I couldn't do anything else with them that night.
Here was my text to him later that evening: Bonsoir, Anthony! Thanks so much for the movie tonight! I really enjoyed watching it with you. I hope your day goes better tomorrow and that your coworkers hormones aren't as crazy. ;) (His one coworker is very pregnant and apparently has been insane lately with random outbursts of anger, she has been throwing things in the office, luckily not directed at Anthony.)
And his replied: Thanks. :) And I really enjoyed having you there! Thanks for coming. :) Have a great night, Caitlin!
I am seriously falling for this boy pretty hard.
That night while I was driving to my parents house I was able to admire the vibrant sunset illuminating the sky. Callie was set apart as a missionary and was given a beautiful blessing. That girl is going to be so different when she returns. I am glad I was able to spend the night and be with her for the last little bit before we took her to the MTC yesterday. We had a sleepover in the big yellow room downstairs on the king size bed. I have started becoming a lot closer to her the last couple years and am going to miss her dearly. She is one of my best friends. I wouldn't want to lose her for the next year and a half for anything less than a mission. I am so proud of her decision to serve the Lord and spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. Grant came to watch her be set apart, I hope his heart is starting to soften and that he will come back to the gospel. I pray that Callie's mission will bring an outpouring of blessings to our family and that it will bring us closer together.
Dropping Callie off was harder than I expected yesterday. I choked up as I told her how proud I was of her. We shed tears and we said goodbye to her. A lot can happen in 18 months. Erin and Ryan could have a baby by then, Grant and Emily could too (or get married, or maybe both?!), I could get married, I will have graduated with my Bachelor's degree, living who knows where, Grandma could pass away (hopefully not though!), etc. Callie has always been there for all holidays and events, it will be a weird
Christmas with just Mom, Dad and Grant there this year.
Change, Change and more change. I often think of the quote from Beth in Little Women when she asks "Why does everyone want to go away? I love being home. But I don't like being left behind..." Part of me knows that things can not stay the way they are, and we need change to grow and learn, but I will always miss the times before everyone moved away. I am grateful for the memories of my childhood/adolescent years of growing up with my wonderful family, they are truly a blessing in my life.
Anthony:"She stole my line."
Okay, wasn't that the charming?
Anthony paid for my ticket, which was incredibly sweet of him. We sat by each other and he was pretty fidgety through the entire movie. We still haven't held hands and I think he is trying to work up the courage to hold my hand. Maybe I am completely wrong but from what I could gather from his body language he was thinking about it. He would cross his arms, then quickly unfold them, putting one hand down on his leg by me and after a few seconds would clasp his hands together. He did this multiple times.
I really enjoyed the movie and I especially enjoyed watching it with him. After the movie he asked what time I had to be back to my parents, he was going to invite me go and do something after the movie. I unfortunately had to hurry back home so I couldn't do anything else with them that night.
Here was my text to him later that evening: Bonsoir, Anthony! Thanks so much for the movie tonight! I really enjoyed watching it with you. I hope your day goes better tomorrow and that your coworkers hormones aren't as crazy. ;) (His one coworker is very pregnant and apparently has been insane lately with random outbursts of anger, she has been throwing things in the office, luckily not directed at Anthony.)
And his replied: Thanks. :) And I really enjoyed having you there! Thanks for coming. :) Have a great night, Caitlin!
I am seriously falling for this boy pretty hard.
Dropping Callie off was harder than I expected yesterday. I choked up as I told her how proud I was of her. We shed tears and we said goodbye to her. A lot can happen in 18 months. Erin and Ryan could have a baby by then, Grant and Emily could too (or get married, or maybe both?!), I could get married, I will have graduated with my Bachelor's degree, living who knows where, Grandma could pass away (hopefully not though!), etc. Callie has always been there for all holidays and events, it will be a weird
Change, Change and more change. I often think of the quote from Beth in Little Women when she asks "Why does everyone want to go away? I love being home. But I don't like being left behind..." Part of me knows that things can not stay the way they are, and we need change to grow and learn, but I will always miss the times before everyone moved away. I am grateful for the memories of my childhood/adolescent years of growing up with my wonderful family, they are truly a blessing in my life.
Monday, July 20, 2015
This Boy Though.
Well, so far this blog is turning out to be almost completely focused on Anthony. Can you blame me though? ;)
(07/16/15) He ended up not coming down to play games with us before Frisbee last Thursday, but we met him over at the park early. I made S'more Bars for Rachel, Steven and Anthony and we sat around and munched on those while we chatted. The boys devoured them! He gave me a side hug when I first saw him and he apologized for not making it over early enough to play games and told me we would have to reschedule a game night with them. I was a little shy around everyone but I don't think he minded too much. When everyone else arrived to play, I thankfully stayed and talked with Rachel while holding her adorable baby. He at first didn't go down to play, and I told him that he could go and play Frisbee. He said he felt bad for leaving us up on the top of the hill all alone, to which I replied, don't you worry, Rachel and I could talk for hours, plus there is a baby, we are good. He laughed and finally went down to play. He looked up at us quite a few times while he was playing.
Rachel told me that he talked with them about me and said he really enjoyed talking with me and that he really likes me. Hooray! She also said it was his idea to have a game night and that he wanted to spend more time with me. It was so wonderful to sit and chat with her and her beautiful baby was a treat to hold. Well, she did spit up on me three times, 2 of those were projectile vomit like spit up. Poor girl, she wasn't feeling very well. It didn't bother me at all, honestly. It is practically just milk right?
After they finished playing Frisbee, Anthony came up and chatted with us for a little bit. He was about to leave and it looked like he was hesitating to get up, especially after I wasn't also getting up. He said said a few times that he was looking forward to our date tomorrow and I told him I was too. He then started to leave and told me that he would have given me a hug but he was really sweaty from running around so much. I jumped up and told him that I didn't mind, plus I was covered in spit up so fair is fair. He laughed and we awkwardly hugged each other in front of everyone. I guess I was nervous and so was he. I am so glad he invited me though!
The next day (06/18/15), my Mom let me know that she had extra tickets to the concert, so it turned out that I didn't have to pick them up from a random stranger. I went to his house and left my car at his place. I heard about his Senior project that he is currently working on and he asked me about school and work. I feel inferior speaking around him, not because he is demeaning or anything, he is just really good at articulating his thoughts but I, however, stumble and talk in circles when telling him my stories and input. I have a really hard time telling people my feelings, hopes and dreams without feeling foolish or passive. Regardless of my own flaws with language, I really enjoy talking with him. He is gentle, kind, thoughtful, considerate and very intelligent. I really love his company.
He took me to Kneaders and then went to the concert. We ran into my old roommate Lauren and her Fiance. As soon as we got inside, he needed to run and use the restroom before the concert started. I checked my phone and Bethany and Jacob had just seen Lauren right after us and they wanted to meet up with us after the concert. Anthony was up for it and we walked around temple square while we waited to meet up with them. Before I get ahead of myself though, he did not hold my hand during the concert, which was actually totally fine with me. He did lean against my arm and leaned into it. He also had his leg touch mine while we were sitting there and I could tell he was a little more fidgety with his hands. I kept my hand available for a lot of the evening and maybe it was just me but I think he wanted to hold my hand but didn't.
We met up with Bethany and Jacob and we were on our way to find ice cream when we ran into Bethany's aunt, Mary Summerhayes and her husband. She told Anthony and I that we looked like each other and that we matched....a little awkward when we aren't really officially dating, but it was sweet of them nonetheless. We then found out that all the food places at City Creek had closed at 10. Brilliant Bethany decided that we should instead post-pone getting ice-cream and we rescheduled to get ice-cream with them on a double date in two weeks. Anthony seemed to be all for it. :)
We got slightly lost on our back to his car but I didn't mind at all because that just meant more time with him. As we were trying to find his car he thanked me for coming and that he felt like he didn't do very much for the date. I thanked him back and let him know that the only thing I really did was get the tickets and drive to his place. He had the initial idea for the date, took me to dinner and he drove around Salt Lake. He told me that I was just being sweet about it...and then hugged me from the side. We finally found his car and when we got back to his house we chatted outside for another 10-15 minutes while petting one of his cats. We hugged and as I drove off he held his cat and had it wave goodbye.
He also said that Steven and Rachel were going to see Ant Man on Tuesday evening and that he would love it if I came. I wasn't sure what we were doing with my sister Callie that evening (she is leaving to go to the MTC on Wednesday!) but I would let him know. After chatting with Callie about it I will be just fine to go to the movie and still be there on time to see Callie be set-apart as a missionary later that evening.
Things are going really well and I hope they continue to progress and flourish. I really like him and I keep having the feeling that this could actually go somewhere. I am trying not to think that far in advance but what can I say? He is amazing. I had a dream on Thursday night where I was with Anthony in a small courtyard in an apartment complex. We entered into our new home which was a joint apartment with his sister. I had a new born baby girl in my arms and felt so incredibly happy. I knew I was married to Anthony and that the baby was ours. In my dream he was a wonderful loving father and husband. I know it that it might not mean anything and that it could have just been the effects of the Slurpee I bought with Rachel. But, there is a small hope that the dream could be real one day. It seemed so real and powerful but it is probably too early on to even think of such things. I can't wait to be a wife and a mother one day and to be married to a man who honors his priesthood and loves me with all of his heart. I am hopeful that the life I crave is coming soon. I have never been career driven because I have always wanted to be a mom. It is part of my divine nature to want and hope for marriage and a family. I know the Lord is preparing me for those roles and that he will not deny me any of my righteous desires.
(07/16/15) He ended up not coming down to play games with us before Frisbee last Thursday, but we met him over at the park early. I made S'more Bars for Rachel, Steven and Anthony and we sat around and munched on those while we chatted. The boys devoured them! He gave me a side hug when I first saw him and he apologized for not making it over early enough to play games and told me we would have to reschedule a game night with them. I was a little shy around everyone but I don't think he minded too much. When everyone else arrived to play, I thankfully stayed and talked with Rachel while holding her adorable baby. He at first didn't go down to play, and I told him that he could go and play Frisbee. He said he felt bad for leaving us up on the top of the hill all alone, to which I replied, don't you worry, Rachel and I could talk for hours, plus there is a baby, we are good. He laughed and finally went down to play. He looked up at us quite a few times while he was playing.
After they finished playing Frisbee, Anthony came up and chatted with us for a little bit. He was about to leave and it looked like he was hesitating to get up, especially after I wasn't also getting up. He said said a few times that he was looking forward to our date tomorrow and I told him I was too. He then started to leave and told me that he would have given me a hug but he was really sweaty from running around so much. I jumped up and told him that I didn't mind, plus I was covered in spit up so fair is fair. He laughed and we awkwardly hugged each other in front of everyone. I guess I was nervous and so was he. I am so glad he invited me though!
The next day (06/18/15), my Mom let me know that she had extra tickets to the concert, so it turned out that I didn't have to pick them up from a random stranger. I went to his house and left my car at his place. I heard about his Senior project that he is currently working on and he asked me about school and work. I feel inferior speaking around him, not because he is demeaning or anything, he is just really good at articulating his thoughts but I, however, stumble and talk in circles when telling him my stories and input. I have a really hard time telling people my feelings, hopes and dreams without feeling foolish or passive. Regardless of my own flaws with language, I really enjoy talking with him. He is gentle, kind, thoughtful, considerate and very intelligent. I really love his company.
We met up with Bethany and Jacob and we were on our way to find ice cream when we ran into Bethany's aunt, Mary Summerhayes and her husband. She told Anthony and I that we looked like each other and that we matched....a little awkward when we aren't really officially dating, but it was sweet of them nonetheless. We then found out that all the food places at City Creek had closed at 10. Brilliant Bethany decided that we should instead post-pone getting ice-cream and we rescheduled to get ice-cream with them on a double date in two weeks. Anthony seemed to be all for it. :)
We got slightly lost on our back to his car but I didn't mind at all because that just meant more time with him. As we were trying to find his car he thanked me for coming and that he felt like he didn't do very much for the date. I thanked him back and let him know that the only thing I really did was get the tickets and drive to his place. He had the initial idea for the date, took me to dinner and he drove around Salt Lake. He told me that I was just being sweet about it...and then hugged me from the side. We finally found his car and when we got back to his house we chatted outside for another 10-15 minutes while petting one of his cats. We hugged and as I drove off he held his cat and had it wave goodbye.
He also said that Steven and Rachel were going to see Ant Man on Tuesday evening and that he would love it if I came. I wasn't sure what we were doing with my sister Callie that evening (she is leaving to go to the MTC on Wednesday!) but I would let him know. After chatting with Callie about it I will be just fine to go to the movie and still be there on time to see Callie be set-apart as a missionary later that evening.
Things are going really well and I hope they continue to progress and flourish. I really like him and I keep having the feeling that this could actually go somewhere. I am trying not to think that far in advance but what can I say? He is amazing. I had a dream on Thursday night where I was with Anthony in a small courtyard in an apartment complex. We entered into our new home which was a joint apartment with his sister. I had a new born baby girl in my arms and felt so incredibly happy. I knew I was married to Anthony and that the baby was ours. In my dream he was a wonderful loving father and husband. I know it that it might not mean anything and that it could have just been the effects of the Slurpee I bought with Rachel. But, there is a small hope that the dream could be real one day. It seemed so real and powerful but it is probably too early on to even think of such things. I can't wait to be a wife and a mother one day and to be married to a man who honors his priesthood and loves me with all of his heart. I am hopeful that the life I crave is coming soon. I have never been career driven because I have always wanted to be a mom. It is part of my divine nature to want and hope for marriage and a family. I know the Lord is preparing me for those roles and that he will not deny me any of my righteous desires.
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